160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! The missing link: Researchers report having discovered the only surviving member of the Senate who has yet to form a 2008 presidential exploratory committee. The senator, only identified as John Doe ’08 to protect his identity, is said to be missing the DNA found in most other politicians. “It’s the central factor determining egocentricity, or what we in politics call the `look at me, aren’t I hot?’ gene,” said one political scientist. “We think the absence of the gene that every politician is born with has something to do with years of political climate change. How he ever got elected to the Senate in the first place is still a mystery, but he may be the last of his kind.” A convenient second chance: Al Gore’s documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth,” has garnered two Oscar nominations. “It’s a total surprise that Hollywood would find my film award worthy,” said the 2000 presidential candidate in thanking the Academy for the opportunity. “Finally I can use that acceptance speech I’ve had ready for the last six years.” Candidate virus: With an unexpected glut of politicians announcing their plans to form presidential exploratory committees from their Web sites, Internet search engines across the world slowed to a crawl last week. To combat the Web overload, YouTube has announced the creation of a new site – YouPrez.com – where candidates can announce their intentions without shutting down the Net. “We expect it to be our second most trafficked politicians’ site,” said YouTube gazzillionaire, Rich Andricher. “Right after to YouGoin2Prison.com.” Confused, but honest candidate: Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, has defended his campaign slogan – “I’m the only white male running” – saying that he is not a racist as much as a truth-teller. “All I’m saying is that truth is more important than color or sex,” said the used congressman. But can we still spank politicians? If state Assemblywoman Sally Lieber, D-Mountain View, has anything to say about it, spanking your own child in California will soon be against the law. Her proposed bill does, however, allow for an exception called the “Hey, you two! You stay on your side and you stay on yours, or I will pull this car over to the side of the road and beat the &*[email protected] out of both of you” clause. Bad taste: Despite protests from fans, the late Jimi Hendrix’s image will be used on a new caffeine drink. While it’s not unusual for rock ‘n’ roll legends lending their music to products and commercials, this one is setting a bad precedent, as the company will be rolling out additional products including Mama Cass Sandwich Spreads and Big Bopper Airlines. Tasty: Leonardo DiCaprio admitted wanting to give up acting for a time after starring in the hit movie “Titanic,” because he was being considered a “another piece of cute meat” after the film’s extraordinary success. “I’m no piece of cute meat,” said the hunky piece of adorable beefcake. “Oh, sure, the money, worldwide attention and power to control the rest of my career was – wait a minute – someone please shut me up before I blow a good thing.” What a sport: The pregnant wife of a rabid Chicago Bears fan chose to have her baby induced the day before the NFC Championship game so her husband wouldn’t have to miss the game. The good news was that the fan was able to see the Bears win. The bad news is that his wife wasn’t due for seven months. SurgeTV: While most high-definition televisions transmits crystal-clear images, the White House is developing a new, even higher definition TV, which promises to broadcast a picture better than real life. “With the deluge of negative news coming out of Iraq, we felt it necessary to give Americans better images to gauge our success,” said presidential spokesman Tony Snow. “It’s kind of like how advertising works. It’s not only a war, it’s a war that can grow hair on a golf ball.” Now where can the over-40 crowd get sick? Magic Mountain has announced the closing down of Psyclone, the amusement park’s oldest roller coaster, believing visitors want more than just tummy-turning nausea. “Throwing up is just so pass?,” said a Magic Mountain spokesperson. “Kids today want rides where they could die.” Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (www.greatfailure.com).